I should be doing the exercises the physical therapist assigned me to rehab my shoulder after slipping on the ice. I should be walking the dog so he gets some exercise. I should be cleaning out my email inbox, getting it sorted. I should try to figure out the tangle of blogs I have started and stopped and then figure out how to give this one an email feed. I should be sending out networking inquiries.

But I really want to have a glass of pinot grigio, perhaps a few, and sit listening to music and write and move from “shoulds” to “wishes.”

I wish someone would pay me to do what I want to do. Instead I spent today doing contract work that is “beneath my station” – more simply put – I could have done it years ago. Sure the work is easier given my editing efforts over the years and the other work could only be done by someone with legal training, but a whole slew of it could be done by a trained monkey.

In an effort to ditch the relentless list of shoulds that I allow to guide my life, I have decided to take risks. Not like unprotected sex with a street person or anything, I mean in the sense of what I do every day. Quit getting up and going in to a workplace that depresses me or bores me. Find what I love and do it. The problem is that I am not sure I know what I love to do.

Years ago, as an icebreaker in a parenting group, we were asked to tell the group what “makes your heart sing.” The request sent me into an immediate panic because I wasn’t sure how to answer and God knows the worst thing ever would be to give an inaccurate answer to a bunch of people who likely could have cared less. But I digress… I am trapped into thinking about tasks I like to do and am beginning to realize that what I love to do must encompass more.

Yeah, I like to write, but I love to write what I want more than 800 words about car insurance. And I like to edit but to do it all day every day with no interaction with others would be deadening.

I like to think. Seriously. I like to use my brain to strategize, categorize, find solutions, design processes.

All this brings me to another realization I made on vacation. We just returned from a long weekend in Florida. I was very happy sitting in the shade and reading, paddling around the pool with my bum shoulder, sleeping, eating. A nature preserve was located nearby and I felt that I SHOULD want to go there. I read about it online. The first “excellent” reviewer gushed about touring the preserve and spotting a spoonbill. My eyes stopped dead. I have absolutely no interest in spoonbills or any other bird for that matter. I know some people like to bird watch. My sister-in-law likes to go on nature hikes. Some admire plants. I wish I did but I don’t. I’m all for a walk in a nice surrounding but I am never looking for nature. Because I don’t care and I am ashamed to admit my disinterest.

There are whole subject areas that I care nothing about. Pro sports. Birds. Car types. I could fill up the whole paragraph, maybe two. So why am I not content to do something boring or tedious as long as I get paid?

Sometimes I think I will make an ideal nursing home resident. I like to nap and read and I love throws and have a nice collection for various needs — one for the car, one when I am really cold, one to ward off a chill… Rocking chairs are comfortable and beds that go up and down intrigue me, not to mention the call button when I have an unmet need.

Alas I am not going to a nursing home or bird watching. No one is thinking, “This is a thorny problem. We need to get [me] on the line.” But then few of us are in that position. Most like me, just wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And I must learn to do this with more grace.