On Tuesday, I nearly caused my smart phone to have a stroke. You see I was on my way to meet a client. I pawed in my purse and retrieved my “smart” phone and typed in my destination. The woman inside the phone guided my way to the client’s office.

I arrived. We met. I left and decided to take a new route home. Got lost. Pawed in my purse. Retrieved her. Opened the map app and figured out where I was. Started driving. Now you may think the worst is over. Au contraire. Next I dropped her smartness and she slid waaaaay under the seat. As I approached the next intersection, she called out, “Turn right.”

Ha! You not-so-smart phone. I would only turn right if I were going TO the client. NOW I am driving HOME. I proceeded straight through the intersection. As I approached the next intersection, she wailed, “TURN RIGHT.” I proceeded. “TURN RIGHT! TURN RIGHT!”

I flailed under the seat to calm her to no avail. “TURN RIGHT!” I continued on my way, now on familiar ground. “TURN RIGHT. TURN RIGHT.” I grow fearful that she may

1. quit
2. have a stroke
3. become angry
4. get laryngitis
5. suffer a loss of self-esteem from being ignored

After 20 minutes of her insistence that I “turn right,” I pull into the garage, find her and put her out of her misery.